So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
