i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My bed smells like the plague
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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