I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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