He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
