My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
