i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
