So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
