Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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