Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
smell my finger.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
