So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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