I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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