Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
