Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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