I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
