after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my shit smells like andre
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
