can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
