I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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