i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
