It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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