I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
