i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
