made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
