How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
