Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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