I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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