I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
