This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
