In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
