Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
