Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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