Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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