Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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