Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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