im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
