you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
