There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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