i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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