Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
