Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
