I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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