i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
