Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
