why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
