hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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