Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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