Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
