you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
