I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
