My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
