My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
